Being Uniquely Me

I have so many dreams!

One of them is to launch a website for local coffeehouses across America.  I love to travel around and experience them and watch the staff as they interact with the people, with the community.  I want everyone one to see the soul of these mom-and-pops businesses that have created happy places all over.

Sometimes I feel unstoppable and brave as I bring this dream to life.  I dive into the tedious details on a daily basis doing research on coffee, posting photos of my visits to coffeehouses, writing blog entries and letters, making calls, learning about managing others, getting feedback from the world and making choices.  It is quite inspiring!

Other times I don't feel at all brave.  I feel insignificant and lonely in the big world of websites and coffeeland.  I can get dizzy from all the swirling email and lists of to-dos and priorities ... shifting my focus from one fire to the other.  It can be so fucking exhausting!  I WANT TO JUST QUIT.  And be done with this dream thing and just live a simple life on a beach with my camera and a beer.

But I won't.  I can't.  It's not in me.  That fire in my belly keeps burning and reminds me to keep going no matter what obstacles stand in my way.  The path may become longer, but the destination remains the same and I am determined to get there.

I found this mermaid at a community sausage festival in Alabama last year.  She and I sat there together listening to banjos and bedpans while watching kids dance around with their grandparents on a fall afternoon.  She reminds me to enjoy the simple things, stay the course ~ embrace this little journey of life and just be me.

Love Prevails

I went to court today.  

Not for me, but my son. 

He is a 21 year old man who got cold-cocked in a college bar about a month ago. I received a 2:00AM call from the emergency room that my son had been taken there by ambulance and that he had asked them to call me.  Fuck. 

He had five facial fractures and lots of swelling.  With surgery they inserted two titanium plates to put his jaw back together; the rest are healing on their own.  He is coming through this with flying colors and no other known issues - vision, hearing, neck, spine, bruising, nose ... all perfect!

From the first moments in the ER, Jacob indicated that he didn't want this choice to affect the future of the kid who did this to him.  He still stands by this belief with compassion and inner strength.

Lookin' good!

Today as I sat in the courtroom for the preliminary hearing on behalf of my son, I took at the people around me; the staff, the attorneys, the onlookers and the prisoners; the boy that did this is still in jail due to the type of offense.   Some walked tall, some with heads down, some smiled and waved at family and friends who sat in court to just get a glimpse at their loved one.  

One row up and to my right was a blond woman about my age.  I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but after about 45 minutes she was joined by two young men.  Oh my.  This must be his mom.  My heart sunk and my eyes swelled up as I thought of what she must be going through.   I asked God to give me strength as I sat there alone, unknowing what would come of this day.

Her son was the last one called before the judge.  We were the only ones left in the courtroom seats.  The PD spoke on his behalf; he has no history of fights or prior arrests; was a full time college student working part time in a bagel shop.  The DA spoke on my son's behalf, sharing the details of the "fight" then expressing Jacob's willingness to reduce the bond and not collect any punitive damages.  The kid's bond was reduced from $50,000 to $10,000 and another court date was set.

I spent a few minutes in a conversation with the DA and victim's assistance representative who could not believe that Jacob was being so compassionate.  That is just who he is - I'm amazed, too.  I then walked down the stairs toward the exit doors.

Across the room, in a chair by the glassed-in cashier desks, was the kid's mom by  herself with piles of cash that she counted and recounted as her hands shook.  I'm sure she just wanted him home with her.   I stood there watching her for a minute then my heart got the best of me.  I walked over to her and sat down.  I looked her right in the eyes told her who I was.  She cried and hugged me.  We hugged each other.

That was one of the most profound moments of my life thus far.  Two single mothers comforting owe another in the most unexpected circumstances.

Maybe I was there for me.

Want different results?

This blog is getting a face lift and a new focus.  It will be my platform to share about my personal experiences on the road and at home.  They will be funny, sad, insightful and sometimes stupid.  I'm just living the human experience out here for heaven's sake :)
____________________

If you want different results, you must do things differently.  I've heard this before.  Is it difficult to do?

Old boyfriend.

HELL yeah!  I fall into old patterns so quickly and easily that I don't even realize they are patterns.  For example ... I just left my boyfriend.  AGAIN.  THAT is a pattern.  :)

New me!

 This time it is different though because I have set my intentions to move beyond my apparent addition to him.  Every day I awake by saying, "what greatness is in store for me today'?  So far it has worked as I start thinking of the new possibilities I have now that I am free of the relationship.

I have also quit smoking.  Stopping two addictions at the same time is sorta crazy.  I find myself talking more than ever before at a faster rate of speed.  My son just looks at me with a blank stare.  So I try to clarify ... I think he understood what I said, he just can't believe I said it in 2.3 seconds.  :)

I am doing things very differently today ... and it feels great.  I'm on my way toward different results.